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Tracking… | Jan 6, 2011


Last night I should have been sleeping… but I couldn’t.  Watched the clock hit 11:45pm: “Oh man, I gotta fall asleep like Now or I’ll be toast tomorrow!”… 12:45am: “no such luck… guess I’ll read”…  1:45am “well that didn’t work”… 2:45am “Come On’ Rach… fall asleep already”  Somewhere between the hours on 3am and 4am I finally dozed off.  I couldn’t pin point the exact root of my insomnia, the thoughts rushing through my head were too scattered to collect this go round.  Perhaps the idea that today we might actually get on the waiting list had something to do with it.  But honestly, I find myself waking up, wide awake, in the middle of the night rather often.  I think the idea of actually being responsible for a child might really be sinking in.  Not just for their physical health and well being, but it’s the emotional and spiritual counsel I’m consumed with.  I’m about to become the most influential person in a child’s life, WHOA, the responsibility, the joy, the fear!!  I’ve grown to enjoy this quiet time with the Lord (It is ironic though, I should be getting in all the sleep I can now before they are here!) but its me saying “Lord, I’m SO Inadequate for this task at hand… so I’m really going to need You to show up…Ok?!… deal?”…”deal.”  I’m constantly being reminded that it’s ok to feel this way.  Perhaps it’s a tool to draw me closer to my Lord.  So, sometimes I catch myself thinking that maybe God has me right where He wants me, completely dependent.  So i’ll rest in that.

Along the lines of not being able to sleep last night.  I’m really showing no interest in working today either 🙂  There’s so much to do, but quite frankly I don’t want to do it.  I just want to sit here and stare at my phone until I see it ring from that 971 area code!  I keep checking FedEx and tracking those three little documents traveling West… right now, they are out for delivery.

A dear friend and mentor in this process Andrea Young keeps checking in with me to “get my digits!” … and I’ve been so encouraged by her support.  Her family brought home their adorable son Isaac this summer and her insight has been so precious to me.  She sent me Psalm 84 this morning to marinate on:

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD; 
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young— 
a place near your altar,
LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.[c]
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield,[e] O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere; 
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor; 
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
12 LORD Almighty,
blessed is the one who trusts in you.
So thankful for the influences in my life that draw me closer to God and excited (yet still anxious) about jumping in to become one myself!

  1. Rachel, you are going to be an amazing mommy! Your
    child(ren) are going to be so blessed to have you and Mark for
    their parents, as will you be blessed to have them for your
    child(ren). It’s going to be exciting journey.